Bowser Winslow

Sonic The MarioHog

He Goes ReeleFaste™

Funny Internet Episode 6

Funny Internet Episode 6 - "Comics that RLY hit home"

Funny Internet Episode 5

Funny Internet Episode 5 - "Mario Teaches Jumping"

Requiem for a Mario

A Super Mario Story

Super Mario did jump on the Goompas and Koopas. The
blocks above shone like bright blocks, shining, full of
sound and fury signifying nothing like the life of an
idiot. I made that up for my Mario story. Mario then
jumped over the pit but he fell accidentally down it.
Mario lost his last life trying to dodge bullet koopa and
lakituku. Lakituku sat up in his high, bourgeois cloud
and slavered over the expanse of the Mushroom Kingdom,
his spiked shells coveting their pious existence.
Lakitookoo kept doing sit ups until one day he was in
great shape. Charlie Mario, Mario's cousin, shot
Lakatewcoup in the ass with a bullet gun and he fell died
ouch. Luigi then did a final jump attack onto a Bowser
Koopa's head. The fight was over; the battle won.
Bullet koopa Luigi did shot a winning maneuver which
enabled the victorious decision wherein Luigi was the
champion. The sun set that day on the Mushroom Kingdom
as it had every other day with practiced bravado. My
beretta stirred nervously under my coat.

Melted Gear: Sold

For years, gamers have been drawn into the swicka-cool cutscenes and hi-tech motions of the Metal Slug Solid genre of gameplays. Jack Snake's crisp, soothing voice, played by Brandon Clarkbar, has lulled players all over the world into a false sense of security before the "solid snake" slips up their "ass" of gaming expectations, raping their funfactor for all it's worth. This time, though, the stakes are higher than ever, as Jack Snake, the top level CIA operative, has suspicions that his boss, OctoKong, is secretly a Metal Gear.



That's right, Jack Snake's hot sexy cyber-android girlfriend has slipped into a coma and to revive her, only he can find the "Metal Gear", the one missing part that will bring her robotic but highly realistic love back to his willing + ready man parts.

This all-new stealth espionage daterape simulator has re-defined the genre of hentai games with its highly reactive, almost explosive cutscene technology. Enjoy up to 500 hours of unplayable movie cutscenes. At certain points in the game, the player will be allowed to press only one button per hour, with 90 minute cutscenes between each press in a 125-button sequence to unlock the final door in the game.



Returning fan favorites such as Vamp and the Metal Gear Mark 3 make their debut for the first time, as well as some old favorites like Raiden and Big Boss who shows up in the ending sequence haha idiot I ruined the game for you, also Raiden actually had a kid with Rosemary, and she's not really married to the colonel, and Snake has a new breed of foxdie in him that is making him into a biological superweapon that will kill everyone in the world. Also, snape kills dumbledore.



So in conclusion, buy this game, because it's really really fun. I played it and you can totally shoot guys, just like in Halo. It's fucking awesome, bro. I mean seriously, it's just like Halo, it's fuckin' BAH BAH BAH (that's the gunshot noise brah) and this dude just fell over like DAAAAAAAAAAMN! That fool got knocked the fuck OUT! For the ultimate in tactical stealth espionage anal invasion, check out Melted Gear: Slod 5, on Xbox 360 and Nintendo SNES today.

Dolpho 3 Announced

The next installment of the smash hit Daplo is coming out soon! Get ready to hit the bad guys like never before with even new spells and attacks. Pick from one of two classes, the Punchman or the Hitman, and choose the style of fighting on your own without mom and dad's help! You're a big boy now, you can do it on your own! Mommy and daddy don't have to change your diapers anymore!

GamerNews™ you can GamerUse™!

Top Stories Tonight In GamerNews™

Jumping Into Action

Today in video games, 100% of gamers got high scores in Super Mario. Many reported high success in their attempts at jumping on enemies, grabbing coins, and saving the princess. This is good news for gamers everywhere, as this puts the MarioJumper Index up by 20%. Other jumping-related games such as Sonic the Hedgehog and the crappy sequel to Toejam and Earl have had high reports of success as well, with 50% less falling into pits or spikes!


Good Idea

Things seem to be looking up for Tetris players this weekend, as many reports of straight blocks and those little pyramid shaped blocks have been coming in. Some players have reportedly cleared as many as ten lines in a row without getting worried about that classic issue, "Where do I put that darn L-shaped block." All in all, Tetris players have been having a lot of "Good Ideas." If this sort of competitive nature keeps up, there'll definitely be some "stiff" competition for the Tetris Champ, Charlie Bonkelhymer, at this year's TetraThon!


Toppling The King

When we took our GamerPoll™ last month, we asked our readers, "What is the number one thing you hope to accomplish as a gamer, in your lifetime?" The results are in, and we've found the number one reply to be, "Beat Donkey Kong." If this was your answer, you're in luck; our crack team in the GameLab™ has finally figured out the way to beat this long, difficult game. If you've sought after toppling the "King Kong" for years, but haven't been able to break through, look no further. In next month's issue we'll be covering in-depth strategies and combos for Donkey Kong that'll take your skills to the next level!

Super Mario Brothers Movie!

A New Super Mario Brothers Game?


So many good mario games have come and gone for our atari system in this household I remember when I used to play atari mario brothers every christmas morning; The best part was when I finally beat bomberman. The feeling that I felt was unlike any feeling I have ever felt before; That funny, tickling;


I can't wait for the next Sonic the Hedgehog game. I heard it has mario in it! Mario jumps very hard on top of doctor egghead's face and kills him!



Sonic Wants A Piece Of The Action Too, Says Sega

There's been word on the street lately that there's been word of a new movie lately, which has been giving word lately of the word on the street that a new movie based on Mario is on the street which is the word.

This new movie is going to star John Candy as Super Mario, Meg Ryan as Yoshi (voice not the actor, danny devito will be yoshi) and Carl Winslow as Bowser. I think it's cool that they made the villain of the movie black, like in Daredevil. It's not just pandering to race relations crowds, it's meaningful and makes sense that bowser is portrayed by an E.D. (economically disadvantaged) individual.

This new sonic movie will have all the jumps, all the rings, and all the coins you remember from the classic hit Donkey Kong. Just stay tuned for the best part when mario makes funny sexual tension jokes about condoms and having sex with desserts!

10 years since Phil Hartman's death

We mourn a great person who died 10 years ago who did a lot of great things on TV and on the television. Maybe someday when we die we can meet him. Phil Hartman did the voice of a good character on the simpsons and was a funny guy (wikipedias.com). And he is being missed now. He was murdered by his wife 10 years ago because she was mad at him, I guess he shouldn't of made her made and maybe now he wouldn't be dead and we could still laugh at all his funny jokes (google.com). Today we give a 4 hour silent salute to this daring individual. Philadelphia's society of Film will be lighting 3650 candles to represent every day that he has been dead. New York's society of Film will be lighting 3651 candles to out-due Philadelphia's society of Film.


Let's take this time to look back on all the great work of Phil Harting with a few clips (courtesy of youtube.com).


This is Phil's very famous role in the Simpsons.





This is Phil's very famous role in the movie Vacation by Chevy Chaser.





Phil Hartman will be missing by young and old. Especially for his role as the neighbor in Small Soldiers. We love you Phil. Sorry you died.